you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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