dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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