I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
