if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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