Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it hurts more in the daytime
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she pinky promised me she was 18
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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