Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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