Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
