the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize