I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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