3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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