I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
