I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize