You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
