she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
