You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
