My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
