You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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