I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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