My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Randomize
