there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
