I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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