so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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