At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
