There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
