Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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