I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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