i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
