He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
