Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize