he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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