I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
