watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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