if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
