At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
