i just wanna soil my oats bro
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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