Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
