dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
