just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
