I can tuck mytits in my pants
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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