If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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