my mouth tastes like poor choices
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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