I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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