She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
