so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
