That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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