I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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