dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
