A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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