based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
