My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
