walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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