after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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