took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
