Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
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