I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
