nut hugger
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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