I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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