Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize