Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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