theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
