and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
